Clinton Administration hopeful that Joe Show will help break peace talk deadlock

Clinton Administration officials refused to comment about the influence of the Joe Ritz Show on the administration's decision to select Camp David for the next round of the Middle East peace talks. Off record however, they did admit that they expect both side to be in an extremely agreeable mood after listening to the Joe Ritz show. "Immediately after the show, we expect major breakthroughs in the negotiations to occur." The Clinton Spokesman denied rumors that the US has offered to fund a Joe tour to the Middle East if both sides reached agreement at the talks. "While we think it’s a great idea, we're saving Joe for more important things."

International Commission for Theological Dialogue pins hopes on Joe

Spokesman for the upcoming International Commission for Theological Dialogue between the Catholic and Orthodox Churches revealed that the Joe Ritz show did influence their decision to hold the conference in Emmitsburg. "If Joe can manage to merge classic and modern Rock & Roll, Hip Hop, Folk, and Blues into a nearly seamless program, we should easily be able to overcome 700 years of division in our theologies."

Bush campaign visit to Emmitsburg to coincide with Joe Show

In a related story, a spokesman for the Bush campaign stated that the Governor has still not picked a date for a visit to Emmitsburg, his great, great, great grandmother's hometown.   "But you can rest assured, it will be on a Tuesday night,' confirming rumors that the Governor is a big fan of Joe.

Gore invites Joe to organize music for Democratic convention

In hopes of tapping into the national listener base of the Joe Show, the Gore Campaign issued a press release claiming that the Vice President has been a long time friend of Joe’s and that he has asked Joe to arrange the music for the upcoming Democratic Convention in Los Angeles. (The Gore campaign however was at a loss to explain rumors that Joe is a card carrying Republican.)

Vatican downplays calls for beatification of Joe

The Vatican today continued to downplay recent petitions from fans of Joe Ritz for his beatification. While the Vatican spokesman did acknowledge the Joe Show has resulted in many across the world feeling better about their lives, no one has actually claimed they have recovered from a fatal illness, one of the preconditions for beatification. When a reporter asked if the sudden recovery of the forty-four fans at the classic rock-and-roll sanitarium counted, the Vatican spokesmen said he was unaware of their recovery. But if true, that could sway the decision of the church in breaking the 2000-year-old tradition that beatification could only occur after the death of the subject.