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| A farmer was milking his cow...
He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The
farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his milk bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman
and turned to him.
"Can't you do something?" she demanded angrily.
"I'm sorry ma'am," the reverend said gently, "I'm in sales, not management."
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says
"That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding
contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a
double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch.
The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Two college students, Frank and Matt,
are riding on a New York City subway ... ... when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the
man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then
continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank, "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
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| At one point during a game, the coach called
one of his 7-year-old hockey players ... ... aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is?
What a team is?" The little boy nodded.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you under stand
all that?" Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?" Again
the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
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| A guru was so impressed by the spiritual progress
of his disciple that ... ... judging he needed no further guidance, he left him on his own in a little hut on the banks of a river.
Each morning after ablutions he would hand his loincloth out to dry. It was his only possession! One day, he was dismayed to find it torn to shreds by rats. So he had
to beg for another from the villagers. When the rats nibbled holes in that one too, he got himself a kitten. He had no more trouble with rats but now, in addition to begging for his own food,
he had to beg for milk as well.
"Too much trouble begging," he thought, "and too much of a burden for the villagers. I shall keep a cow." When he got the cow, he had to beg for fodder. "Easier to till
the land around my hut," he thought. But that proved troublesome too for it left him with little time for meditation. So he employed labourers to till the land for him. Now overseeing the
labourers became a chore, so he married a wife who would share this task with him. Before long, of course, he was one of the wealthiest men in the village.
Years later his guru happened to drop by and was surprised to see a palatial mansion where once a hut had stood. He said to one of his servants, "Isn't this where a
disciple of mine used to live?"
Before he got a reply the disciple himself emerged. "What's the meaning of all this, my son?" asked Guru.
"You're not going to believe this, sir," said the man, "but there was no other way I could keep my loincloth."
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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| A man wrote a letter to a small
hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well
behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will
vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.
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A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills ... ... would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until
he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store.
He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?"
The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished ...
... came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
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| An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor.
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things
are good, and we celebrate When things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old
friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end.
"I Have been diagnosed with AIDS. "
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I
thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
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| After a laborious two-week criminal trial in
a very high profile bank robbery case ... ... the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its
verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me,"
The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns
to his client and asks,
"So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,
"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar ...
... loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen.
Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.
The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.
"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.
She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.
The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.
"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!"
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| A young man was having some money problems...
... and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from.
So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly."
The father says, "Oh, good. YOU send him the money!"
Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
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| New Year's Resolutions you can actually keep!
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-)
- Read less.
- Put on at least 30 pounds.
- Stop exercising. Waste of time.
- Watch more TV.
- New Years Resolutions
- Procrastinate more.
- Drink. Drink some more.
- Start being superstitious.
- Spend more time at work.
- Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
and last but not least...
Submitted by Dory, Pittsburg, Pa.
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| Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad
... ...and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you
realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| The strong young man at the construction
site was bragging that he could outdo anyone ... ... in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over
to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing ...
... a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd
done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Two aussie guys are walking along a river
bank when they come across a group of people ... ... watching a man immerse some of them in the river.
Spying them, the man calls out " Hey, brothers, come on down. I'm baptizing sinners, washing away their sin, just as the word says. Come on down, you'll find Jesus,
you'll be saved!"
"What d'you reckon?" one asks the other.
"Yeah, well, it probably can't hurt, 'n it's a hot day an all, a dip in the river sounds good." So he goes on down and is soon being immersed.
As he comes up the preacher says, "Hallelujah! Have you found Jesus!?"
"No", replies the aussie, so he's dunked again.
"Have you found Jesus now?" asks the reverend excitedly.
"Nope, not yet," replies the guy, and a third time he goes down.
This time he's under the water for quite a while, and when his head bobs up the same question is asked. "Well, have you found him this time?"
"No, I haven't. Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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| A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season
... ...decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally
catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a time."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the
grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"
Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.
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