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Things I've
learned from my children:
- A king size
waterbed holds enough water to fill
a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
- If you
spray hair spray on dust bunnies and
run over them with roller blades,
they can ignite.
- A 3-year
old's voice is louder than 200
adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook
a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the
motor is not strong enough to rotate
a 42 pound boy wearing Batman
underwear and a Superman cape. It is
strong enough, however, if tied to a
paint can, to spread paint on all
four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
- You should
not throw baseballs up when the
ceiling fan is on. When using a
ceiling fan as a bat, you have to
throw the ball up a few times before
you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit
a baseball a long way.
- The glass
in windows (even double-pane)
doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
- When you
hear the toilet flush and the words
"uh oh," it's already too late.
- Brake fluid
mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and
lots of it.
- A
six-year-old can start a fire with a
flint rock even though a 36-year-old
man says they can only do it in the
movies.
- Certain
Lego's will pass through the
digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
- Play Dough
and microwave should not be used in
the same sentence.
- Super Glue
is forever.
- No matter
how much Jell-O you put in a
swimming pool you still can't walk
on water.
- Pool
filters do not like Jell-O.
- VCR's do
not eject PB&J sandwiches even
though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage
bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in
gas tanks make lots of noise when
driving.
- You
probably do not want to know what
that odor is.
- Always look
in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The fire
department in Austin, TX has a
5-minute response time.
- The spin
cycle on the washing machine does
not make earthworms dizzy.
- It will,
however, make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw
up twice their body weight when
dizzy.
Submitted by Sister Wink, The Bronx,
NY
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Black
and white - An ode to times long gone,
For older folks only - (Under 40, you
won't understand)
You
could hardly see for all the snow
Spread the rabbit ears as far as
they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good night, David; Good night,
Chet".
Dependin' on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and
June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and
white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night--
Life looked better in black and
white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothin is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white.
In God they trusted, in bed they
slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their
vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and
white.
I'd trade all the channels on the
satellite
If I could just turn back the clock
tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from
right
Life was better in black and white!
Submitted by John,
Upton, Long Island
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My Little
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The
following ad appeared in a newspaper.
SBF Seeks Male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant:
-
I'm a svelte good looking girl who
LOVES to play.
- I
love long walks in the woods.
-
Riding in your pickup truck.
-
Hunting
-
Camping
-
Fishing trips.
-
Cozy winter nights spent lying by
the fire.
-
Candlelight dinners will have me
eating out of your hand.
-
Rub me the right way and watch me
respond.
-
I'll be at the front door when you
get home from
work, wearing only what nature gave
me.
-
Kiss me and I'm yours.
-
Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy.
(The
phone number was the Humane Society
and Daisy was an eight week old black
Labrador Retriever.)
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