Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, 'Hey, Moe!' Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard of "The Three Stooges " who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and that diploma from a small Caribbean Island is very fresh.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? 
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. What are preexisting conditions?
A. This is a term used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with 'pre and now' meaning the same.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 CO-payment, there is no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Moses "Excuse me, Sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?" "I'm afraid it is, Sir." What is it this time, Moses; more computer Problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"

"Oh, yes; I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, Sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"

"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."

"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."

"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, Sir; I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."

"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yes. I. E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"

"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."

"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers"

"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."

"It's a mouse , Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave "an image' and 'Thou shalt not correct Thy neighbor's wife.'"