The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. sure hope the test isn't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's First name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one-which two days in the week begin with the letter "T?" Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, So I'll give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Twelve." Said Forrest.

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ...

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind...but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song..."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run".

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yes. What do you think that means?"

"That means we're Pisscopalians."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa

• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
• How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
• Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live
• Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
• Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
• Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
• If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
• You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
• We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.