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I won't be coming to work today because:
- If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
- On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.
- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
- I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreen's.
- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Submitted by John, Philadelphia, Pa.
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You know you're getting older when...
- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Spend quality time with your loved one ...
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.
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June 20th Humor Page
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