• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people's stupidity.
• You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
• When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
• You have no time for a life from August to June.
• Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.
• When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
• You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for at least 5 years.
• You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never DREAM of doing your job.
• You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
• You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.
• You know you're in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, " I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!
• You smile weakly, but want to choke a person when he/she says, "Oh, you must have such FUN every day. It must be like playtime for you."
• Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.
• Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this ?!?!"

"Afraid not," said the farmer.

"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.

"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.

"I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"

"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."

The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped.

"You sold me a blind horse!"

"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."

ENDURANCE RIDER: Light bulb? Do you mind, I'm trying to get my horse's pulse / respiration / hydration levels to respectable levels. Once that is done, I have another 50 miles to go before I can even think about changing a light bulb. Um, any chance that the light bulb could assist me in my conditioning regimen.....

DRESSAGE QUEEN: Me! Change a light bulb? Are you joking? I couldn't possibly be expected to subject myself to such a menial task. Change it yourself. Oh, and wash your hands when you are finished. The very thought!

CLASSICAL DRESSAGE QUEEN: These things can not be rushed, but must be approached slowly, with great patience, and adherence to the principles laid down by the classical masters, otherwise the light bulb will not attain its true potential, but will forever just be a shadow of its true self. Never, ever, use any type of gadget when changing the light bulb. That is an offense to the principles of classical light bulb changing.

EVENTER: Hmm, as soon as my arm is out of this sling broken after falling off at that large stone wall (whilst riding Hell For Leather cross country) I'll change it. Until then, deal with the dark. It will put hair on your chest. Only prissy Dressage Queens require lights, anyway.

SHOW JUMPER: Why on Earth would I need to change a light bulb when the whole world knows that the sun shines out of my ass. Why, when I release over a jump, the spectators are practically blinded.

NATURAL HORSEMAN You must instill respect in the light bulb, so that it sees you as the Alpha light bulb, using "light bulb dynamics" (video available at $99.00 on my Website). Once you have done this, you will find that there is really no need to change the light bulb at all, but that the light bulb will, with very little coaxing from you (using patented "light bulb coaxer" designed by me - $99.00 each, for extra $49.99 you get video thrown in) will behave as all good light bulbs should.

"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her

you're the boss."

The husband takes the doctor's advice.

He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong ... And another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His wife says calmly, " The undertaker."