• Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
• It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• For every action, there is an equal & opposite government program.
•  If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
• Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind & narrowness of the waist change places.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• Junk is something you've kept for years & throw away three weeks before you need it.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
• Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
• If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.

• You work for a food company and everyone goes out for lunch.
• The boss with a terrible cold and flu decides to hold an all morning meeting with the entire office.
• The company has run out of stamps, has to borrow some from the receptionist.
• Your new computer screensaver has naked pictures of the customer service manager on it.
• The other half of the building burned down last night, but since you still have a little electricity, you keep working. But there is such a cold draft coming from that end.
• The CEO comes into work drunk from the employee party last night.
• Everybody hits upon you to buy candy for their kid's charity (twenty last week!).
• The company likes to hire the blind with seeing eye dogs wandering around the place.
• You get tired of the makeshift bowling alley they put up in the hallway during working hours.
• There is wine and beer in the vending machines.
• The family that owns the business is so poor that they are using food stamps at the local Aldi.
• The boss came into work one day in his pajamas.
• The office manager still likes acid rock music blaring out of his office.
• You need a pass to go to the bathroom.
• A security guard frisks everyone, especially the receptionist, when they come into the building. The CEO frisks everyone, especially the receptionist, when they go out.
• You find out that for computing, they use digital, five fingers on each hand.

• NEW AND IMPROVED! This cannot be because if a product is new it cannot be already improved.
• SAME PRODUCT IN NEW PACKAGE. But beware, the new package also included a reduction in ounces for the same price.
• THIS PRODUCT IS BETTER! Better than what? Is a Lexus better than a little red wagon? Is a steak better than a gristly piece of pig's intestines?
• THIS IS THE GREATEST ALBUM THAT THIS ARTIST EVER MADE! The rest of them were condemned by the Legion of Decency.
• THIS MOVIE IS THE GREATEST SINCE "GONE WITH THE WIND". In what way? How about the most times people were forced to go out into the lobby for a breather or the bathroom for a case of morning sickness (even the men)?
• GREAT BRITAIN. Is it as great as when it defeated the Spanish Armada or endured the Germans in 1940? A true story: Rich Melmon, the brains behind Chicago's "Lettuce Entertain You" restaurant group had a place called "Great Gritzby's Flying Food Show" for a dozen years. When one of his friends remarked that the restaurant had sagged in quality, Melmon changed its name to "Not So Great Gritzbys" and it closed forever in a couple of months. People do believe what you say and do.
• BETTER THAN EVER! That is because it was never any good in the first place and there is plenty of room to be "Better Than Ever" again someday!
• OUR BEST SALE OF THE YEAR! Thais means that the stuff on sale is now a little closer to the real value of the item than usual. Also remember 40% off sounds great when the item originally was priced at $100. But when the manufacturer jacks up the retail suggested price to way above its worth in order for discounting, then that 40% isn't so much. Really, the best sale is 100% off.
• HERE IS A HOUSE FOR SALE THAT WON'T LAST LONG! and A DOLL HOUSE, and other realtor famous phrases. The former means that there are termites crawling up the embers. The latter means that the house is too small to be lived in except by pygmies.
• BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE. That means that the item is priced so high that you should get two items for the same buck with the store still making a comfortable margin. Also it is a great way to clear the shelves of something that they were forced to stock by the owner's brother-in-law.

Mary and her husband Jim had a dog named 'Lucky.' Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing.

Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's other favorite toys. Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.

It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease....in fact, she was just sure it was fatal. She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders.

The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him. The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.

The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable. Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap. Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.

When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life. He had covered her with his love.

Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every day.

It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky? He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure. Remember....live every day to the fullest. Each minute is a blessing from God. And never forget....the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care for us.

Several weeks ago he watched a mother duck choose the cement awning outside his window as the uncanny place to build a nest above the sidewalk.