Humor Selections for July 29th, 2009


     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


 
Dear Abby Admitted She Was at a Loss to Answer the Following:
  • Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
  • Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
  • Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
  • Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
  • Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
  • Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
  • Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
  • Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
  • Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
  • Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
 

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A guy goes into the confessional box.

He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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How Clever Is Your Right Foot?

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't... It's pre-programmed in your brain!

Without anyone watching you (they will think you are crazy!.......) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, West Sussex, England
 

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Age Quotes
  • "I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type." Bob Hope
  • "As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two..." Sir Norman Wisdom
  • "Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late." Mike Tyson
  • "You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." John Mendoza
  • "As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." Robert Quillen
  • "People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body." Geoffrey Parfitt

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Essential Disk Care Guide
  • Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
  • Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
  • Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
  • Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
  • Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
  • Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks.
  • A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
  • Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
  • Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
  • If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
  • Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
  • Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

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Really stressed out office people - Download Video

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
 

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A picture is worth a thousand words ....

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Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, West Sussex, England
 

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July 27th Humor Page