Humor Selections for October 10th, 2013

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At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science...

.... AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The deceased had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.

Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and pellets went through the window striking Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun.

He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son, one Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Submitted by Ray, King of Prussia, PA.

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You know you're having a bad day when...
  • Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.
  • You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.
  • You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.
  • You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it.
  • Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.
  • Everyone loves your driver's license picture.
  • You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.
  • Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
  • Your aunt Maddie, who has two poodles and a chihuahua, tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate... and you live in Arizona.
  • The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
  • You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodyear Blimp is gaining on you.
  • The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
  • People think you are 40...and you really are.
  • You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.
  • Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." And you remember that you were home by yourself.
  • Everyone is laughing but you.
  • Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
  • The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
  • You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
  • You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
  • Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.
  • Your income tax refund check bounces.
  • You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
  • You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.
  • You need one bathroom scale for each foot.
  • You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
  • The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes... and no one has touched it.
  • Nothing you own is actually paid for.
  • You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.
  • You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how to save money... from the electric company.
  • Airline food starts to taste good.
  • Your mother approves of the person you are dating.
  • Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.
  • The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.
  • You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
  • You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
  • Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
  • You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag.
  • You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
  • Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
  • Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
  • You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.
  • You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.
  • You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
  • You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night ....and there aren't any.
  • It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
  • You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.
  • Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.

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One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms
around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

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A man is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor who was in hospital.

He doesn’t look too good, with his arms and legs in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. In fact he looks rather like a mummy.

The man tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn’t responding.

Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says: “Mi stai bloccando il d’tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ….”

The man listens carefully to what his neighbor is saying, and inscribes the words in his heart.

At the funeral he tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.

“And”, she asks with tearful eyes,”was it that he loved me? ”

“I do not know,” said the man, “but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d’tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ….”

The widow screams and faints.

“What?” the man asks his neighbor’s daughter, “what did he say, what does that mean?”

And the crying daughter says:

“You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git.”

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Late Night humor
  • This government shutdown thing is getting old. The national parks are closed, museums are closed, and federal agencies are closed, but our borders are wide open. Don’t worry about that. - Jay Leno
  • At first people thought the government shutdown would last maybe a day, at the most a week. Now people are concerned, and experts are saying the shutdown may last as long as a Kardashian marriage. - David Letterman
  • A man in Montana says the U.S. Treasury has reimbursed him after his dog ate $500 dollars in cash. That explains why today the Treasury got a call from another guy who said, "Uh, my dog Bo just ate $14 trillion." - Jimmy Fallon
  • Newton's concept of gravity is not considered a law because it's based only on observable data. In the scientific community, the whole concept of gravity is considered just a "theory" — like evolution, or the honest politician. - Craig Ferguson
  • Last night President Obama had an hour-long meeting with Republicans and Democrats, but they were still unable to end the government shutdown situation. So don't worry — while the shutdown is putting people out of work and costing taxpayers millions of dollars, lawmakers did spend a whole hour trying to fix it. - Jimmy Fallon
  • We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. It is costing $300 million a day. That is a full "Ironman" sequel per day. We could be up to "Ironman 7" tomorrow. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • Most people think the IRS Is just out to audit people. But that is not true. In addition to the people who do the audits, the IRS has people dedicated to defending taxpayers who get audited. But guess which group just got furloughed? - Craig Ferguson
  • Scientists in Stockholm say hundreds of jellyfish have shut down a nuclear reactor. Hey, that's nothing. In this country, a bunch of spineless jellyfish have shut down the entire government. - Jay Leno
  • The government shutdown could cost the American economy $300 million a day. To put that in perspective, it would be like every day the economy released a new Lone Ranger movie. - Conan O'Brien
  • People are saying now that before the government shutdown congressmen went out and got drunk ? celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating. - David Letterman
  • I don't think people are paying enough attention to fact that the National Zoo is closed. The panda cam has been dark for 48 hours. Who knows what craziness those pandas are up to now? They might be going crazy. They might be making the other animals do chores for them. - Craig Ferguson
  • How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up? - Jay Leno
  • I’m glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it’s safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in. - Jay Leno
  • The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant ? Leap of Faith Sushi. - Conan O'Brien
  • The shutdown means the national zoo is closed. Who'll feed the animals? Is anyone even there to lock them up at night? Pretty soon starving lions and tigers could charge out of the zoo. They'd devour the fattest, dumbest people on Capitol Hill. Actually that might be the answer to all of the problems. - Craig Ferguson
  • If the government does shut down, nonessential White House employees will be sent home without pay — so more bad news for Joe Biden. - Jay Leno
  • Do you care that the U.S. government's shutting down? I thought they were already shut down. I mean, honestly. - David Letterman
  • President Obama is now making a case for raising the debt limit. He said that raising the debt limit does not increase debt. And, you know, I have to defer to the president on this one because when it comes to increasing the debt, Obama knows what he's talking about. - Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started..

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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Magician in the park - Download Video

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD

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Sept 25th Humor Page