Humor Selections for March 21st, 2014

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Bubba and Earl were sitting in a car on a back road drinking moonshine.

All at once there was a tapping on the window.

"Bubba I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!"

Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window.

Bubba shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour.

"Step on it!" "He's still out there!" Earl shouted

And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window.

Bubba shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour.

Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window.

"You better giver 'er some more gas!" Earl yelled, "He's still out there."

"I can't go any faster Earl, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour.

About that time the little old man motioned for the Earl to roll the window down, which he did.

"Say Boys!" "I was wanting to know, do you need a shove to get out of this mud hole?"

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Useless trivia to bore your friends

  • Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
  • Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.
  • Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
  • If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water.
  • When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
  • Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
  • Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
  • The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
  • Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
  • Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.
  • The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
  • Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
  • The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
  • Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
  • The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
  • The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
  • In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
  • Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  • A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
  • The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
  • Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
  • The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
  • If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
  • When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
  • In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
  • Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
  • Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
  • The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
  • The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
  • Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
  • Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy
  • Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
  • Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
  • For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
  • The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

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Strict, Unbending Rules For Dealing With Stray Cats
  1. Stray cats will not be fed.
  2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
  3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
  4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
  5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
  6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
  7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
  8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
  9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
  10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y."
  11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
  12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
  13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $194.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
  14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
  15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
  16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
  17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
  18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
  19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
  20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
  21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
  22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
  23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
  24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
  25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
  26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
  27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
  28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier' puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j USING IT.

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How To Photograph A New Puppy
  1. Remove film from box and load camera.
  2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
  3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
  4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
  5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
  6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
  7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
  8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
  9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
  10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
  11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
  12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
  13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
  14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
  15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
  16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
  17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
  18. Fix a drink.
  19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

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Late Night humor
  • A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can't find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America. - Jimmy Fallon
  • Some people say St. Patrick's Day contributes to national stereotypes. Well, I don't want to do that. Take it from me, not everyone in Ireland gets falling-down drunk every day. You're thinking of Australia. - Craig Ferguson
  • On Saturday, Los Angeles subway workers unearthed prehistoric fossils that are at least 2 million years old. Scientists could tell the fossils were indigenous to L.A. because they were each found clutching a headshot and a smoothie. - Seth Meyers
  • Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That’s right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle! - Jimmy Fallon
  • Austinites are some of the kindest, most welcoming people unless your name is Rick Perry, in which case they will boo you until you go away. I also learned that pickles are served with ribs so you feel like you've eaten something green. I learned that if you follow a man with a beard he will lead you to a panel discussion on increasing your social media presence. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • The average American citizen — you hear the statistic all the time — works six months out of the year for the government. That's how difficult the taxes are in this country. We work six months out of the year. Government employees don't even do that. - David Letterman
  • Albert Einstein wrote a manuscript that was lost for 83 years... The newly found manuscript revealed Einstein didn't believe in the big bang theory, which says the universe is constantly expanding. He theorized a steady state that keeps constant by adding elementary particles. I have no idea what I'm talk about. - Craig Ferguson
  • A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone.
  • This is our fourth of five nights broadcasting from Austin, Texas, during the South by Southwest festival. I had to get a bigger shirt because my shirts don't fit anymore. In Texas, pork is considered a condiment. -
  • Jimmy Kimmel
  • Yesterday Washington had a big power outage... It was so dark in Washington that when the power went out the only thing that was glowing what John Boehner's face. - David Letterman
  • A new study says Americans spent a record $56 billion on their pets last year. That may sound like a lot but think about what you get in return. You get the unconditional love of dogs, the exotic beauty of a tropical fish, and whatever a cat gives you — disdain, I guess.
  • In Florida, the town of Hampton has been found to be so corrupt the state may dissolve it, basically ending the town's existence. Which of course begs the question: How bad of a town do you have to be to be an embarrassment to Florida? - Konan O'Brien
  • The Internet turns 25 today. Whatever you do, don't send it an e-card. Even the World Wide Web hates e-cards. - Craig Ferguson
  • Yesterday Edward Snowden urged technology companies to improve their encryption techniques in order to prevent hacking. Then he said, "But not right away. I'm still using Obama's Netflix password to watch 'House of Cards'." - Jimmy Fallon
  • The country of New Zealand is voting on whether to change their flag. Apparently New Zealand's current flag is a sign that says, "No, no, you're thinking about Australia. We're not Australia." - Conan O'Brien
  • They arrested some guys here in New York City for selling counterfeit ChapStick. I was part of the scam. I bought some. I knew immediately it was counterfeit because the lid didn't come off in my pocket. - David Letterman
  • A family in Oregon called 911 after they were trapped in a bedroom by their cat. I'll say it again. They were trapped in their bedroom by their cat. Apparently the cat held the family hostage until its demands were met. Its demands were food and sleep. The cat was apprehended and received a sentence of four to nine lives. - Craig Ferguson

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Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose...

..., black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

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You Know You're a Tech Geek When...
  • When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
  • When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
  • When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
  • When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".
  • When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
  • When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
  • When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.
  • When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.
  • When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.
  • When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
  • When you can do hexadecimal arithimatic in your head.
  • When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."
  • When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

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This Tractor Driver Is NOT Having A Good Day - Download Video

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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March 17th Humor Page