Breaking News

National Guard on standby as Emmitsburg prepares for round two of this week’s doubleheader of the Joe Ritz Show

EPI, Friday, 9:32 EST

In a surprise announcement that was cheered by the listeners of Mount St. Mary’s student radio, 89.9 FM, the International Commission on Excellence in Rock and Roll Radio announced that Joe Ritz, the up-and-coming DJ who has electrified the airwaves around Emmitsburg with his exceptional mix of classic rock, will be filling in for his friend, ‘old school hi-hop’ Thad Stultz. 

The announcement caught town and federal officials off guard. In a hastily arranged news conference, Emmitsburg's constable Odo pleaded for calm following the Mayor's announcement that the Governor has put the National Guard at his disposal to help handle crowds expected to be in excess of 100,000.  

As word of Joe’s show has spread on both sides of the Atlantic, Emmitsburg has quickly become a Mecca for classic rock-and-roll lovers seeking refuge from boring commercial radio programs. Residents have begun to complain that cars bearing license plates from as far away as Maine are blocking the street and their ability to dance in the street when Joe plays their favorite song. 

In an effort to ease the congestion, Constable Odo announced that Thurmont has agreed to serve as Emmitsburg’s parking lot. Plans call for buses run on five-minute intervals to and from the Mount. “Thurmont may have gotten the middle school, but we got Joe Ritz, so we win." Odo added.  

While officials agreed that paving over Thurmont will help ease congestion in the short term, several county and federal officials admitted off the record that they have been looking into the feasibility of constructing a major airport just east of the Mt. St. Mary’s athletic center. One high ranking Clinton Administration official noted that "As Joe’s reputation grows overseas, we expect air traffic to the three Washington area airports to exceed current capacity, so it would make sense to open an airport here in Emmitsburg." The spokesman refused to comment on whether the airport would be designed to support 747's or the Concord, "But", the spokesman stated, "that would not be unreasonable."
Meanwhile, in anticipation of record-breaking weekend crowds, FEMA has canceled all employee vacations and said that it will have its emergence operation center in full operation four hours before Joe goes on the air on Sunday.

In a related story, Bell Atlantic announced emergency plans to install a dedicated fiber optic telephone line directly into the radio station. "The existing copper lines are unable to handle the flood of calls from listeners requesting Joe to play their favorite song." A spokesman for Bell Atlantic noted. "Every time Joe announces 88.9's number: 447-5239, circuit breakers across our entire system open." 

In Philadelphia, Dr. Jerry Deadhead, head physician of the classic rock-and-roll sanitarium, announced that the forty-four listeners, who suffered nervous breakdowns after discovering that Joe would not be broadcasting on July fourth, have recovered. Apparently, according to Dr. Deadhead, "When they heard that Joe will be on the air twice this week, Sunday 8 to 11, and again on Tuesday, joy returned to their faces. Of course," Dr. Deadhead added, "anyone who has listened to the Joe Show could have predicted this outcome." 

Constable Odo also revealed that rumors about complaints from local residents about people playing the Joe Show too loudly were false. "Just the opposite, the complainers were mad that they couldn’t hear the music as clearly as they wanted, not that it was too loud." In ordered to address this problem, town officials agreed to add the topic of hanging public speakers from the town’s telephone poles to their agenda for the next town meeting. 

At last report, Joe Ritz remains secluded in his parents’ house. Rumors are that he is working day and night answering e-mail requests for songs to be played.

Stay tuned to Emmitsburg.net for further developments and tune your radio to 88.9 Sunday night at 8:00 for the finest in classical rock-and-roll.

For the best in Classic Rock, Blues, and Jazz tune your radio to Emmitsburg's
own WMTB 89.9 FM -  a non-profit, student run station - Requests always welcome - 447-5239